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Some of the spouses simply guessed (e.g.,"Ernie would never use a credit card! Others had to write about a typical day in their partner's life, and then "put themselves in his or her shoes" before predicting (e.g., "Ernie works so hard all day at the bank, and he resents even paying five dollars for lunch; he would never use a credit card.") The result: Those who tried to imagine the other's perspective were less accurate than those who winged it—confirming Epley's real-life experience of giving his dolphin-loving wife a day of caring for the animals at the aquarium, not realizing that, since she'd just had a baby, she would not enjoy the binding, full-body wetsuit.While understanding that your partner may have a different take than you is helpful, he writes in Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel, and Want, you don't always imagine your partner's actual "different take." The best way to get your partner's point of view, he says, is to simply—oh yes, you saw this coming—ask for it.... Because sure, you want to pounce on him when you catch him in a jerky act—smoking a cigarette out the window?
In his study of 104 couples, he asked one partner to predict how the other would respond to questions on everything from the use of cash to biggest life regret.Dummystupid says: "No relationship is perfect and there will be conflict.What matters is the desire to solve the problem." And bamber79 writes: "When you and your SO are arguing, remember- it's you and them VS the problem. This has helped me tremendously in how I approach disagreements." John Gottman, a psychologist and cofounder of the Gottman Institute, previously told Business Insider that the No.A short break seems to alleviate that fear enough that they go ahead and admit the ugly truth.
Which, as we know from our own slipups, is the first step to apologizing—and figuring out how to avoid the inadvisable act next time. Both of you could sit there expressing opinions all night."Unless you are EXTREMELY intimate with your friends, you will never have any idea what that couple's actual problems are until they break up and spill the beans." Indeed, research suggests that people are notoriously poor judges of what others are thinking and feeling.